It still amazes me how the shifting hormones can have such a dramatic effect on our energy and mood as female beings. Last week started off with such a high and ended with such a low.
I’ve learned something new about my Shadow of Seriousness during this shifting of energy.
When I am ungrounded, when I feel like I’m drowning in the rushing waters, when my Inner Summer shifts to Inner Autumn I tend to lean on my Shadow of Seriousness. It becomes my default setting. And the more I resist its presence during my natural cycle, the more disconnected, the more detached I become from my body, from my true inner self.
Monday started off with such ease, with such airy and light energy. Every interaction I had on that day originated from that deep core self, the Silvia that is driven by Delight and curiosity and generosity. I felt so connected to my body. I moved through the world with such ease. I feel this energy as my Virgo Rising, my Libra Sun and my 10th House Gemini - the part that is here to find pleasure through service.
That is exactly what I felt during one of the digital workshops that I’m facilitating at work. My desire to help and my ability to probe brought clarity to one of my students. She was feeling stuck in her learning journey and couldn’t quite see a way forward. So we went back to basics. We went back to the beginning and visited her intentions when she joined the workshop. I was brought close to tears the moment I saw the light switch go on her face. We’d come through the obstacle and there was now a clear path in front of her. She was absolutely beaming with excitement. I basked in her excitement and it felt like such a magical moment.
I thought to myself: “This is what it feels like showing up in the world with my Gift of Delight. This is what I’m here to do. This is how I’m here to serve the collective.”
By Friday that curious and generous Silvia had hidden in the back corner of a dark and dingy cave. She no longer felt like being visible. She was done with serving the world. Instead, my Aries Moon became dominant. Outbursts, restlessness, reactivity - these are all the parts of my emotional self that used to cause havoc in my 20s. A big part of my journey in getting to know my inner cycles has been about acknowledging and accepting the changing of the gears. This time, I had lost track of it and I let the low and reactive energy get the better of me.
A simple triggering situation, that looking back now seems so silly, made me snap at Nick. He saw me sticking my brand new phone in the side compartment of my backpack and he didn’t like how accessible it was. In the heat of the moment, I snapped. I see now how his projection of safety became my projection of not trusting myself. My self-trust issues met his paranoia about other people’s intentions and they clashed.
On my bus ride to work, shame kept sweeping over me. I kept reminding myself that I was not my outbursts. They are simply part of my human experience. But in no way do they define who I am at my core. The stuckness and the restlessness settle in when I mistake these low vibrations for who I am. By recognising my part in the situation I hope I am able to meet the next such interaction with more grace and compassion, for myself and Nick. Not because outbursts are wrong but because I didn’t recognise our projections on each other, and I allowed his trigger to trigger mine.
During one of the bus stops, I noticed a “369” on a fence post. A smile lit up my face. At that moment, everything was validated. It was the confirmation I needed to recentre myself. (36/9 makes up my life path numerology.)
At that moment, I was reminded to come back to my body, to the safety of my body, to the unconditional trust that it offers. I was reminded of my Gift of Delight. I was reminded of the part of me that is my Libra Sun, the part that can bring herself back into harmony, the part that is here to serve and feels a deep devotion to doing so.
“I am safe in my body. I am safe to feel these emotions.”
When I finally allowed myself to sit down and journal out all the frustrations of the past few days, I leaned on my Tarot pull to see the lessons I needed to learn from all of this. Low and behold, I pulled two very resonant cards: Four of Swords and Four of Cups.
Four of Swords and Four of Cups from the RWS Tarot deck.
They both revealed the theme of meditation and contemplation. They revealed the permission to rest, to check in and to re-establish my connection to my emotional self. They reminded me that I am not my thoughts, I am not my anger, I am not my outbursts. These are simply human emotions. They’re all part of me but they’re not me. I was reminded to come back to my body.
To do that, I invited in grounding activities that tended to the Earth within me. I took the Sunday to care for and nurture myself in preparation for the week ahead. I reconnected with my Earth by preparing nourishing food for my work lunches. I did some cleaning and weeding. I prepared myself for the Inner Winter that will be arriving soon. All of that felt very wholesome. Taking that time allowed me to ground myself in my body on this Earth, especially as my Air self tends to suspend me somewhere in that big and beautiful sky.
As someone who has a difficult relationship with rest, this is a beautiful challenge to lean into as I’m moving into this week where the Inner Autumn will only deepen. I’m inviting myself to take a moment of solitude at work, find a quiet corner and just be in my body. I’m inviting myself to re-establish my connection to my emotional self and my physical being. I’m inviting in more grace and compassion for myself and for others as I’m navigating this Inner Autumn phase with more awareness and self-knowledge.
I almost didn’t write this letter to you because I’ve felt so disconnected from myself. I knew that was the reason why I needed to write it, partly as I find the act of writing healing. But I wanted to write these words in case you too have been feeling your heavy emotions lately. Maybe, you too, are in your Inner Autumn phase. Maybe, you too, have been suspended somewhere out there. In the words of Sara Bareilles, “this is me sending out my satellite call.”
I wanted to remind us all that we’re not our thoughts, that it is OK to feel the full spectrum. That life is about the ebb and the flow. What matters is that we learn how to take care of ourselves, through the good and the hard times.
We are human. We are here to have a human experience. This means feeling all the emotions - the lighter ones as well as the heavier ones. But neither of them define us.
So when you’re feeling those heavier emotions, try not to brush them aside. Acknowledge them. Allow them to be here with you. Talk to them. Ask them what they need. And remind yourself who you truly are. Take time to be in solitude with your journal, with your cards, and allow your inner truth to emerge through the darkness. Allow yourself to bask in your own energy, without the interference of the world.
Sending you lots of love.
Silvia
P.S. A song that helps me come back to my body is Maggie Rogers’ “Back in My Body”. I love what Maggie said in one of her interviews, how the music for musicians is personal therapy, but it’s also public service. And that, to me, is the magic of music. It is a universal language that we all resonate with, no matter what humanly experience it allows us to move through.
P.P.S. What is the song that allows you to reconnect with your body?