What makes us go against our natural ways of being in the world?
The more I dig around in my Gene Keys and my natal chart, the more I’m coming to the acceptance that for me this challenge will always be rooted in seeking external approval and validation. I’m starting to see how my natal Sun plays a bigger part in it than I thought, and how all of my Gene Keys profile feeds into my deepest Shadows.
Here’s an example situation.
I love writing and sharing my thoughts. That’s the Gemini in me. That’s my 5th Line energy. That’s my prominent Mercury in my 1st House Virgo. That’s just me. Even without all the planetary positions and Gene Keys, I still love writing and sharing my thoughts.
The trouble arrives when I force myself into a set schedule. You’d think by now I knew better because this is no new topic in these letters. Unsurprisingly I do have the Shadow of Force in my Gene Keys profile twice, coupled with Self-Obsession, Vanity and Half-heartedness.
*ooooooffff*
This is how it plays out.
I commit to a random schedule half-heartedly and then I find myself forced to write for a specific date, even when I don’t feel like there is anything to say. My Shadow of Seriousness is loving it. The agony, the drama, the hustling for words, and the walk of shame when I can’t deliver. But who am I doing it for? Forced words surely don’t help anyone.
This was exactly the situation I found myself in this past week. I kept setting myself down to write but nothing I typed up felt worthy of sharing. I kept forcing the letter to go a specific way but with no wholeness. They were simply words strung together to be delivered as promised.
What for?
To stroke my own ego? To stay consistent? To remain relevant? To feed my own vanity? To fulfil a promise I made to myself out of thin air? To not let you down?
It’s not good enough. I talk about my values of intentionality and slowness and inner wisdom, and yet, here I am not even walking the walk. Or so my mind makes me think.
So today you get a glimpse into my self-inflicted walk of shame.
The lesson?
Learning to acknowledge our shadows, and through the path of quiet contemplations accept them as part of our humanity.
Being human means feeling all of our emotions. And allowing ourselves to feel them. Being spiritual does not mean that we’re always in the higher frequencies. That’s the Divinity that we’re gently reaching for. But it does not take away our humanity. Our Divinity should not replace our humanity.
“In order to accept something about yourself, you first have to come out of your ignorance and own it. Acceptance equals ownership, which leads to Delight. Delight is the sense of freedom that emerges from an appreciation of the richness of being alive. This Gift is about feeling alive within the realm of matter.”
Richard Rudd on 46th Gene Key
Apparently, Line 3 is all about confronting our commitment issues and learning to laugh at ourselves. As humans, we love to spend time in our minds. Our minds love a neat structure. But life is a bit messier. Our hearts don’t live according to a structure. There’s no rhyme or reason in the matters of the heart. So why force it?
How amazing it is to have been born and to have been given this physical body and this incredible brain. Why not cherish it wholeheartedly. Why not open up our hearts and laugh at our own Shadows and the absurdity of it all. Why not laugh at the things our Shadows make us do, like forcing a piece of writing that is not yet ready to be born.
But this one was. And it’s calling us to lean into our playful curiosity.
What are you forcing in your life?
Can you sense the absurdity in it?
Can you laugh about it?
What is it teaching you?
What if you were to act on it with your heart instead of your mind?
Til next time, dear wanderer.
Love,
Silvia
P.S. I’ve been humming this tune for the past week now. Here’s Liz Longley’s “Funeral for my past”.