A photo from another time when I used to wear make-up to hide behind and had no idea what boundaries were
Something Megan Frye said in her interview with Britten on her Moon to Moon podcast reframed the way I’ve started to approach my creativity and the intention behind it, my capacity to show up, and my energy expenditure. She said:
“We don’t have time for everyone.”
In that immediate moment afterwards, it hit me that my words, my creativity, and my mission do not have to reach everyone. I don’t have to attract every single being to my light, whether online or offline.
I don’t have to inspire or empower everyone. That is not the intent of the words I choose to put out there. The intent is for those who are ready for my light to find me; who are ready to go deep and explore their own inner landscapes to come across my words and find healing in them, find self-empowerment in them, find solace in them. Find whatever they need in them. And, ultimately, to find the courage to go to those dark places within, and embrace their humanity in its totality.
In my fitness business, which seems like another lifetime now, I used to want to help everyone. Something that had totally overhauled my idea of health and fitness needed to do the same for everyone around me. And I’d get so frustrated when people kept saying no. I used to think I had the answer to their problem.
Maybe this is my Virgo Rising or my Aries Moon in my 8th House of Transformation. Either way, I saw the pain in people and the potential of what they could be. I saw how what I could offer would help them be more compassionate with their own selves, and how the community could help them lift themselves up. They already had what they needed within them but I knew with the support of the community they would start to believe it too.
So when they succumbed to their excuses, I’d get so down. But as I’ve distanced myself from that version of myself, I’ve realised that it is not my responsibility to help everyone. I don’t have time for that either. Or energy. It is not on me when someone is not ready. And I have to accept that they are on their own journey, a journey that has nothing to do with me, unless they vibe with my frequency, with my words, with the medicine that only I can offer.
Then, and only then, can I meet them halfway. Then, and only then, do I have time for them. Then, and only then, can I open up the magical door to their self-healing. Then, and only then will my Scorpio sting help them wake them from their slumber.
And the big one that I’ve realised is that their unreadiness is not a reflection of my worthiness. Their unreadiness is just that - they are not ready to take themselves down to their inner well. And that’s OK. Some of us will never be ready for it. Goodness, I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready for it. But more often life leaves us with no choice but to descend.
What I do find most frustrating about my role as a digital workshop facilitator for a public library is how I need to have time for every single person who walks through that door. I need to have the capacity for whatever reason they chose to show up to it, even when it feels to me like they are showing up half-heartedly.
I noticed how my Scorpio sting showed up the other day as I tried to connect with one of the learners. They’d normally show up and start talking about all the struggles in their life. And that would only distract them from the task at hand.
I’ve slowly started to draw boundaries around the whole thing because it is not my job to fix their problems outside of the space I provide. I get that a library is often a place where people just come to be heard, to be listened to, to be witnessed— it has become one of the last accessible places where people get face-to-face help— and for a while I allowed myself to be receptive to whatever the participants wanted to unburden onto me. But I felt the boundaries were getting a little too blurry for my liking. I allowed my energy to be zapped for the rest of the day.
It was not the time or place for their unburdenings. I was not the person to give any advice outside of my position as a digital workshop facilitator. The courageous Aries in me drew a hard boundary around it. But then the shame kicked in. The Cancer in me in the 11th House of Community and Shared Hopes and Dreams, and the Pisces in me in my 7th House of One-to-One Relationships felt guilty for turning people away.
Was I being too harsh? Was I being too blunt? Had I distanced myself too much? Had I made that person feel less worthy?
The compassionate part of me wanted to take care of them.
And then it hit me again: we don’t have time for everyone.
And we shouldn’t.
And that is OK.
So maybe the lesson here is to be better at guarding one’s energy, gauge the situation and show up in the capacity that is appropriate under that specific circumstance. Because sometimes in our jobs we don’t get to choose who we work with. Maybe in those moments, we need to be more protective of our energy and only give as much as the other person is supposed to be asking of us. And remember that it is not on us if people have a different agenda for what they’re showing up to.
Or maybe this is my Shadow of Seriousness talking. Maybe I am overanalysing this whole thing. Or maybe I just care too much. Even in a job that I don’t see myself in for the rest of my life, I still show up with the responsibility of making a difference and bringing my whole self to it. And when people aren’t receptive to what I have to offer and how I offer it, I get down on myself.
I fall back on that default of wanting to help everyone and get frustrated if I can’t. I start to doubt my core self. I start to doubt my abilities. I start to doubt the whole mission that is driving me, a mission that has nothing to do with me, and yet relies heavily on who I am.
It is in these moments of doubt I keep coming back to Megan’s words that I am so grateful for. I am reminded of my unique way of being and showing up in this world. I am reminded that not everyone will vibe with that.
And that’s OK.
We don’t have to vibe with everyone. Meeting ourselves in our totality also means that we will feel friction with other humans in their totality. But in no way is it a reflection of how good of a person we are. It simply means our energies don’t mix well.
The more I ponder on it, the less guilty I feel for not showing up to some people in my wholeness. Because I don’t have time for that. I wish them well on their journey but I no longer have time for people’s bullshit, in whatever form it takes. My energetic capacity has a limit and I’d rather spend it where it matters.
Maybe this makes me seem like a cold-hearted person. So be it. We’re all entitled to our opinion. The secret to self-worth is knowing who we are at our core and knowing what we can offer to the world. Anyone who crosses the boundary or projects their own stuff on you is not worth our time. All we can do is wish them well on their journey.
How’s your relationship with boundaries? Are you good at setting them?
P.S. As I’m heading into a season of life where I’ll have more spaciousness to be reflective and creative, I’m curious to hear from you. Is there anything you’d love to hear more about in these letters? By that I mean, how curious are you about all the astrology, Gene Keys and Tarot talk? Maybe you’re curious but none of it makes sense. In which case, would you like to know how to start practising it in your own life? (I do have my own vision for this space but the Virgo and the Hermit in me are also very service-oriented and care about your opinion.) How can I serve you within the limits of this space?
I relate strongly to a great deal of this. I started working with Yarrow flower essence last year for my complete lack of boundaries - it was transformative. Now when I wobble, I go back to her. I also came to the “can’t help everyone” realisation and it too was a gamechanger - just one person will do! Them maybe another... ☺️
As for your writing topics, I’m always interested in all those things. Especially gene keys. But in general I just love your writing.