"All of life and evolution follows natural sequences. However, the sequences of the Golden Path are not paths of development that change who you are. They are an unravelling of your highest essence that lies hidden within. Therefore when you travel these sequences, it is as though you are unpicking the tapestry of your life in reverse. You must check each stitch of the fabric and discard those knots and slips that have caused your life to take you into difficulties."
-Richard Rudd-
When I read this paragraph in Richard Rudd's Genius Book, it dawned on me how I'd been using different modalities and self-help books to "fix" myself. I've always felt like I needed to fix myself in order to fit in. I always saw myself as someone who had something wrong with her. I've accumulated a lot of shame around my struggle of being able to fit into the expectations that society puts on us, and subsequently, we end up putting on ourselves. Because of that push and pull, I could never quite figure out my public self. Why couldn't I just pick a career path and make "something" of myself? Why could I never quite fit into the social groups I found myself in? Why couldn't I just accept and go along with how things work in this world?
Reading that section was a genuine lightbulb moment. I finally realised that is not about "fixing" myself. These modalities such as astrology or Human Design or Gene Keys are not here to change who we are. Rather, they help us explore our inner beings. They help us uncover the many layers of who we already are. Some of these layers may have never been seen before but it doesn't mean that they don't exist within us. We've just never taken the time to reach them. The art of contemplation and self-inquiry that these modalities invite in are the pathways to uncovering our whole beings.
I have recently joined a community group for the Gene Keys Activation Deep Dive, facilitated by a dear friend and human being, Daisy, whose weekly contemplations I mentioned in my last letter. The first Gene Key sphere that we are invited to sit with and spend time with is our Life's Work. Mine so happens to be Gene Key 46, line 3. The shadow of 46 is Seriousness. This is something that is showing up in my life time and time again in many different ways but mostly around my public self.
I used to think that it is something I should "fix" about myself. That the whole idea of exploring my Gene Keys is about eliminating the Shadow so that I can reach my Gifts, and finally get to the state of Siddhi. I'm starting to see now that it is not so black and white; there is a lot of grey. The aim is not about eliminating anything. Rather, as Richard Rudd suggests, it comes down to three words:
Allow, Accept and Embrace.
Here is a perfect example. Our house has been stuck between two construction sites for the better part of the past year, and still ongoing. What has made the situation worse is that neither owner cares much for consideration or cooperation, and unfortunately, the workers that they have attracted to work for them act in the same vein. We have had drilling and banging at 7:30 on a bank holiday morning. We have had heavy machinery sounds on all day Sundays and evenings. When confronting the owners about the effects this has had on our mental health, we have been met with nothing but resistance, ignorance and inconsideration, to the point we have no other choice but to seek legal advice.
I'm not writing this as an invitation to pity our circumstances. Rather, this to me demonstrates the level of self-obsession our society suffers from. Rudd calls this our Fire Eye. The flaw in our Fire Eye is that we can't see beyond our own need for satiation. We don't care about our neighbours' needs. We rarely stop and think about how our actions affect those around us. I see it everywhere, whether at work, on public transport or even online. This me-mentality is destroying us, pulling us apart, ripping our humanity into shreds. Rudd suggests that the only way through this culture of self-obsession is to connect more with our Water Eye, and we do that through yielding.
Easier said than done, right?
I'm also writing this as an example of my own Shadow of Seriousness. I have a tendency to take things too seriously. Even as I'm contemplating my Seriousness, I'm wondering whether I am overreacting as far as taking legal action goes. Am I being as self-obsessed as I claim my neighbours to be? Should I simply yield? Should I stop being so serious about it and simply accept how it is?
This reminds me of Britten's recent letter. In it, she talks about building a home for yourself inside yourself where it is safe to emerge as you are, "where it is safe to emerge as fucking pissed." You see, I've always thought that it is not acceptable to get angry, let alone show it to others. That we should remain diplomatic throughout our interactions, no matter how gnarly and messy they are. But sometimes it feels healthier to get "fucking pissed." Sometimes our patience gets tested and we're pushed over our threshold. There is no way out other than through the messiness and gnarliness. Knowing that this part of us does not need fixing, but rather, we need to create a safe space where that self can emerge freely.
I believe that Rudd talks about it all in a similar vein. I don't think he would be spiritually bypassing natural human emotions such as anger and frustration. By getting angry or pissed does not mean that we're not good human beings. It doesn't mean that we're not spiritual beings. It means that our respect, our boundaries, our good intentions have been broken or stepped over.
So I keep coming back to Allowing Seriousness into my life, Accepting it, and Embracing what it has to offer. It's not the fact that I'm being too serious in this situation, but rather, through acceptance, I am allowing my Seriousness to speak up and speak out about the injustice I am seeing and experiencing. I am allowing my Seriousness to be heard and acknowledged.
Gene Key 46 is very much about the physical body. It is part of the Ring of Matter. I've noticed that my Shadow of Seriousness tends to make an appearance when I don't feel safe in my body, when my body does not feel comfortable in its physical space. There is a lot more to uncover there, as I mentioned earlier, as I've always struggled with my public self. Not feeling safe in my own body in public, with strangers, can be traced back to being bullied prior to the age of 7. But that is a contemplation for another time.
Coming back to the present moment, I am embracing the fact that this is temporary. I am not allowing myself to be wholly consumed by it all. In fact, I am embracing the absurdity of it all. I am embracing the joke in it which is the fact that we have put up with all of this for the past year without taking legal action - a year that has already been testing us physically and mentally in many different ways.
So I find ways to get out of that physical space as much as possible. I find ways to support myself and Nick through this madness. I find ways to comfort us, to comfort our bodies, to find the Delight in quiet moments, and Accept that this is how it is just for now. I see it as a Divine Comedy. We've been walking through Hell; now approaching the Purgatory; and maybe eventually we'll arrive in Heaven. I don't mean it in a religious sense. It is more a depiction of the absurdity of the whole circumstance. "You gotta laugh about it" has become my catchphrase.
I don't tend to sit around in self-pity. Maybe this is my 3rd Line mentality - my innate ability to adapt to new situations. Maybe this has been my saving grace in all of it, not just my current situation but all the hardships and difficulties this life has thrown on my path. I take the lessons, gather the wisdom and I move on. I'm pretty sure when all of this is over, me and Nick will laugh about it all, saying things like: "Do you remember that wild time we had to walk around our home in noise-cancelling headphones?" Maybe it is here to remind us how not to treat one's neighbour and to remind our neighbours that self-obsession is not the way to a loving society.
What I'm truly interested in is this:
How do we as a society rebalance the scales of self-obsession and yielding?
What can we as individuals do?
How do we tap into the magic of reciprocity with ourselves as well as this world?
How can we bring our whole selves to our communities so that we all benefit from each other?
How can we utilise these different modalities as a society so that we feel safe to bring our whole selves to our communities?
Unfortunately, I don't have a set answer for you but I do have a gentle nudge that is inspired by this quote about our Shadows from Richard Rudd:
"First you must begin to allow that this issue is in your life. You don’t have to accept it right away. You may hate it, shy away from it or be enraged by it. But you must begin simply by allowing it to be there. And it may not be there all the time. You will have to watch for it. Once you have allowed it you are ready to accept it, and acceptance is a beautiful thing. Acceptance means that your inner work is really kicking in. You have summoned the courage to take responsibility for something inside yourself. Acceptance sparks the fire of transformation and as the fire reddens around you, the final phase comes into play - the embrace. You take a deep breath and you let the Shadow in all the way. Only this totality allows a negative pattern to be fully transformed inside you. It is you fully opening your heart to the challenge of your life."
If we as individuals each took the time to contemplate our own shadows and through that connect with our gifts, truly become familiar with how we work and what we bring to the table; what triggers us and how we trigger others, we could then take that self out into the world with more openness and compassion and understanding because we have already practised that on ourselves. Personally, that challenge for me is about letting go of Constriction and cultivating Acceptance (Gene Key 25, my Evolution) whilst learning to notice my patterns of Seriousness and leaning more toward finding Delight (Gene Key 46, my Life's Work). It is less about eliminating the lower frequencies and more about embracing them and noticing them when they happen and meeting them with Delight and Acceptance.
I see a lot of my astrological placements in my Gene Keys, which to me indicates that it is not so much about choosing one modality to fit into but rather utilising all the ones that resonate so that we can tap into the hidden layers within ourselves instead of constantly looking for an external fix, a box to fit into.
Oh, my Seriousness has stories about that too - that search for the One True modality that will fix me. A contemplation for a future letter, perhaps.
If you're curious about your own Gene Keys, and you're not yet familiar with this modality, you can get your free profile here.
I'd love to leave you with a beautiful invitation from Noah Reid and his song "Statues in the Stone":
"... take the love that you’ve been storing
And start giving it away."
Noah Reid Statues in the Stone
Til next time, dear wanderer.
Love,
Silvia
P.S. If you feel called to support my work, I’d love to invite you to buy me a coffee. No pressure though as I share these contemplations out of pure joy.