Moonthly Letter XI: On listening within and speaking without
Learning to trust the timing and following through
So we are in November…can you believe it?
September was mostly spent travelling around Scandinavia and Estonia. Then October happened and suddenly autumn was in full swing. And so it was that I ended up taking an accidental break from these moonthly letters.
In all honesty, there was a point where I wasn’t even sure I was going to carry on with them but this morning, as I was listening to Louise talk about her Substack journey and why she left this platform, I was going through my own Substack archive and realized that I actually do love sending these moonthly letters with little life updates and things I’ve enjoyed lately. So consider Moonthly Letters revitalized.
Turns out we just needed a bit of rest.
As I’m writing this letter to you I am noticing certain body sensations and old thought patterns emerging: chest tightening, shoulders constricting, mental chatter on “Who am I to think you even care to hear from me after all this time?”
You may even be one of the newer subscribers who found me through this piece I wrote back in July. Hi, nice to see you again!
Or you may have joined me after I wrote this piece as that too got more engagement than some of the other ones. Hey, so glad you’re here!
I’ve been listening to my body a lot this year but more so in the last few months, and even more so now that I am learning about the stored trauma in my body, and how it shows up. I’ve been noticing how I carry my childhood trauma in my shoulders, in my chest, and in my jaw. There’s a lot of tension there, tension that I’ve been bypassing with food and caffeine, for yeeeaaarrrrrsssss.
Little naive old me thought she’d “gotten over it”.
I’ve been pretty much caffeine-free for a couple of weeks now, and sugar-free for about a week, and let me tell you, I am finally able to start hearing my body speak to me in a way I’ve not heard before. I’m finding my tolerance levels for BS being a lot lower. I’m finding how certain things constrict my natural way of being, and how unhealthy it is. I’m finding how the traditional way of working really doesn’t work for my body. Even just a simple thing like choosing when to have lunch, and not being able to do that at work, can be quite activating.
I’ve been learning about Felt Sense, which is one of the meditation practices I’m learning in my breathwork facilitator training, and not having the various stimuli in my body has been a real teacher. I’m starting to differentiate between the body sensations and the mind chatter, but also notice when the two are working together and aggravating each other even more. In these moments, I come back to my breath.
Ahhhh, my beloved breath.
We are now at the stage of the training where we’re actually learning about the breathwork components. Shit is getting real, as the saying goes. And all I keep thinking about is what the song below represents…just making it through… Especially this part of the lyrics:
And when I grow up
I wanna be like a tree
And change with the seasons
Helping people breathe but
All I've achieved lately is making it through
Just making it through
I suppose what I really wanna say with this letter is that sometimes we have to disappear without any real reason, without justifying our disappearance. I see so many of us excusing ourselves for our absence, or for needing to take time out, and then showing up walking on eggshells for not having shown up.
Can we at least try to disconnect from that sense of urgency?
Can we normalize rest and recuperation and reconnection?
Can we meet each other with grace?
Can we meet ourselves with grace?
Can we listen within and speak without when it’s time?
Can we trust our timing?
Can we trust what our body needs?
Can we even hear what our body needs?
I’m learning and that’s the best I can do.
And that’s the best you can do.
And it’s OK if we don’t get it “right”.
What even is right?
Right is whatever is truthful to you.
Right is whatever is not harmful to you or others.
There is a lot more I want to talk to you about but…timing.
I’m slowly learning to walk my own talk.
I’m slowly learning to be my own inner leader.
I’m slowly learning to do things out of delight not force.
I’m slowly learning to listen within and speak without when it’s time.
I’m slowly learning to uncouple from the shame of “needing” to talk or chime in when there is nothing.
It’s been an interesting experiment to listen, to attune, to not act on every whim, to not act out of shame or guilt or conformity.
And now that the transiting Pluto is moving forward again, and finally moving forward from the natal Pluto square Pluto in my personal chart, I am sensing a lot of clarity, a lot of old stories and patternings that are ready to be composted, a lot of shame that’s ready to be released, a lot of conformity that is ready to be disrupted. I am sensing into a deeeeep looooooooong exhale.
Trust is emerging. Trust in myself. Trust in my path. Trust in the timing of things. Trust in my voice. Trust in the words I need to speak and when I need to speak them. Trust on a whole new level.
Doesn’t mean the doubt isn’t there but I can now hold it and still lean into the trust component.
Doesn’t mean the comparison isn’t there but I can now meet it with love and appreciate the uniqueness of each of us without diminishing my own.
Saturn is also moving forward now. I’m sensing the contours I am finally ready to commit to and play in. Oh, commitment, what a beautiful lesson.
I feel like this letter has been a weird and wonderful stream of consciousness. I’ve allowed myself to move freely. I’ve not restricted myself or forced it to go a certain way. And that is another practice I’ve been tending to, especially as there is a seed of something that is ready to emerge soon.
I will love you and leave you with some recent delights but before…
…let’s take a deep inhale…
…pause…
…and release, exhale, let it all out. Sigh if you need to.
Take care,
Silvia
I absolutely adore this YT channel by Eamon and Bec. Following along to their adventures in Canada and abroad is simply hilarious.
Another YT channel I absolutely swoon over is Roaming Wild Rosie and her gorgeous Swedish cabin renovation project.
I don’t really follow Canadian politics but this guy is pretty interesting.
This listening session with Taylor Swift. I LOVE hearing the stories behind the songs.
Twinkly lights as the nights draw in.
Herbal teas.
Beans. Yes, you read that right. Simple beans.
Hugging a cushion is my new favourite thing. I love how it cultivates my capacity for safety, joy, and pleasure in my body.
The memories of our Scandinavian adventure. I’ll leave you with a time-lapse of one of the sunsets from Öland, Sweden.
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. Every time I see someone apologize for not writing more, not writing sooner, not posting lately, not being available every second of the day, I think "we aren't supposed to be always available and always communicating and always creating, let's stop apologizing for this ..." and I also have a long history of doing this myself, even MANY MANY MANY times to my own journals, dating back to my childhood. I'm a work in progress and I love seeing my work mirrored in this way.
Nice to see you, again, and glad you took time for you and followed what was true for you. I relate to the compulsion to apologize for my absence, and to the yearning for rest and recuperation to be normalized, and to the recognition that I am where I am with my body (and everything else, for that matter), so all I can do is keep learning.