Pisces New Moon: afloat in the current of life
The power in naming our self-inflicted wounds
Hey lunar wanderer,
As Mercury was meeting Pluto, I had a dream about a bleeding wound on my leg. Part of my left leg was covered with a dressing. Blood was seeping through it. In my panic, I was trying to get the dressing off so I could get to the wound and stop the bleeding.
As I removed the dressing, I was met with disbelief. There was no wound. There was no bleeding to stop.
What a relief, I thought.
The dream stuck with me in my waking world. Until a realisation emerged.
I have been tending to this self-inflicted wound of worthlessness for my entire life. I've held onto the need for my self-expression to be externally validated as worthy. I've allowed the hunt for external validation and, at times, the lack of it, to make myself so small that any bit of recognition makes me second-guess everything. All my adult life, I've tried to find ways to prove my worth, whether that is through education, creativity, relationships, or a job.
None of them have worked. That sense of worthlessness still remained no matter how “successful” the external expressions of it turned out to be.
Sure, childhood bullying has played its part. But I chose to remain in that story. Maybe the bandage represents the stories that I’ve continuously been telling myself. In them, I have found safety. I've continuously given myself permission to stay small. That way there are no repercussions, no taking responsibility for my own smallness, no taking responsibility for my own worth, my own gifts. I can keep living my small and safe life within the walls I’ve built up without admitting to myself that I want more. And in doing so, I don’t have to face the failure or the success that could follow.
Attaching myself to external validation has been the safe way.
“You tell me how good I am so I could feel good about myself.”
“Love me and adore me so I can feel worthy within this human body.”
“I'll please you by overgiving so you wouldn't reject or abandon me.”
This brings me to this Pisces New Moon in the 55th Gene Keys - we don't know what we don't know until we know it, and then we are invited to work with it.
Richard Rudd writes in his book “The Gene Keys” that it is the understanding that will pull us out of our own victimhood.
“Understanding must dawn within you at the level of pure being - the understanding that you have become the unwitting victim of your own unconscious belief patterns.”1
Read more about it here.
In 2021, I wrote the following words under the Leo Full Moon, words I am starting to make sense of only just now. And that’s just it - lunar cycles provide us with our spiral of growth.
“I feel like it is my duty to this world to share what I've learned and am learning. I feel like spreading awareness will be my contribution to this world. Awareness brings knowledge. Knowledge brings acceptance and understanding.”
I talked about Jupiter and Chiron in the Leo Full Moon letter after which I was naturally drawn to my own Chiron placement in Gemini in the 10th House. Chiron in Gemini is here to remind us that the way we think creates the reality we live in, which means we have the power to change it.
In other words, our awareness creates our lives.
Funnily enough, I knew that intellectually two years ago but I didn't know the whole story. I hadn't yet been made aware of my own clinging to my unconscious belief patterns. And now that I am, I am ready to own my story of victimhood. I’m ready to please myself first. I’m ready to ask for what I want and actually name it out loud and not back out of it. Yep, I’ve done that too, out of fear of rejection and abandonment.
My mind is screaming at me: how dare you? How dare you have the audacity to ask for what you want? You should be happy with what you’re given. You should be happy just connecting and sharing experiences. You should be giving this away for free. How dare you cut people off this knowing? How dare you put this invaluable information behind a paywall? How dare you think it is valuable in the first place?
Yet, how dare I not value myself enough to put up a paywall? How dare I try to talk myself out of something because it might displease others? How dare I keep myself small in my own victim stories?
Who am I to want to make a living with my passion for creativity and intuitive arts? How dare I want that? I know I'm not alone in this.
I’m inserting a paywall here as the following feels too raw to leave public.